You woke up this morning with hair growing all over your ears. Black hairs, white hairs, red, yellow and orange hairs. Some hairs the colour of concrete dust. Studied closely, they resembled tiny interlocking snakes. Soon you couldn’t hear a thing. But you still managed to operate the espresso machine without much bother. Then, caffeinated, your eyes started to cover over with your rapidly growing eyebrows. So it looked as if it was going to be that kind of day. Best then to embrace it. Go forth and conquer, et cetera. First off, get some pants on, then loosely fasten seventeen belts around your waist. Afterwards, fashion a large letter S from a roll of aluminium foil and tie it with a piece of string so that it hangs over your genitalia. Next staple last night’s used chocolate wrappers over your legs. Then choose a top. Any old thing will do. All right, you’re getting there. Next make some earrings out of cocktail umbrellas. Pierce your ears with special new holes. Insert. Spread peanut butter over the cloth covering your collar bones. Alphabetise the names of the top sixty corporations in the world on your left cheek in red ink. Go to the freezer. Take out a fish finger and superglue it above your upper lip. This shall be your moustache. Put on your knee pads. You’re almost ready to go. Final touch, paint your helmet white and put it on. Feel the drips run down your cheeks. Maybe platt your eyebrows. Now grab your keys, you’re done. The only thing you’ll say all day is Ghouta. Ghouta Ghouta Ghouta Ghouta Ghouta Ghouta.

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